Every decision you've ever made in your life has led up to this moment. 

It's so poetic! 

We all know the saying, even though we're unsure who actually said it first. It's had me thinking lately. Perhaps these are the stereotypical musings of the young person who just moved to the big city, but alas. 

I think about this all the time, though the scale varies. For example, on a small scale, I made the mistake of picking up the last remaining S.A. Cosby novel that I own (book reviews coming soon!) around 11. I had a decent chunk left. I forgot to put it down, and now it's sometime in the early hours of the next day. But hey, another brilliant book done! 

Perhaps in this instance, it is quite simple to find the decisions that led my life up to this moment, yawning and tapping away at a keyboard. 

But why stop there? What about the pre-decisions decisions, if you will. I purchased my first S.A. Cosby novel this summer on a whim at a bookstore. I went to the bookstore because I enjoyed reading. I perused the thriller/mystery/crime section because I reread Sherlock Holmes last summer and wanted something like that for this summer. I wanted something like that because I wanted a break, as much as I do enjoy, from reading the dense material that I have the joy and privilege of engaging with for a career, hopefully. 

Why did I go to college? Before this goes into a true insomnianity direction, I don't mean this in a "free will vs determined/socially created" way. To be clear, I recognize the position, circumstances, and so on that allowed me to go to college. 

But what actually made me go? What decisions did I make throughout my life that has led me to be truly captivated by people I have nothing in common with? 

Furthermore, how do we build on decisions that we don't understand? When asked why I went to UChicago over insert certain school, my answer is different every time. This is not to say I feel like I made the wrong decision, school hasn't even started yet! But how would I know? 

What appealed to me about Chicago? Why did I feel drawn to the program? I know some of these reasons: the emphasis on academics above all else, the campus looks like Hogwarts, and so on, but what made me partial to these? 

This could go on forever, a neverending question of why did I do insert decision. From ordering at a drive thru, to choosing a career path that will affect the rest of your life, we make decisions all the time. 

I made a decision once, to watch a movie. Just kidding, it was determined by my professor. I fear free will is absent in the classroom. The movie was Arrival, the 2016 sci-fi thriller. I was very confused for 90% of the movie. Why did I make the decision to talk about this? Without spoiling anything, I hope, the movie asks a fundamental question. 

If someone were to lay out your life in such a way that you could see every decision, moment, and feeling you were to have, in your past, present, and future, what would you do? Is it more important to change decisions from the past, radically shifting what may be the future? Or, have things sort of gone okay, and now you are more concerned about switching your major so you'd actually make money? 

Or would you change anything? Would you even want to see your life? All the successes and failures. Reliving things that bring you joy or haunt you. Would you even want to spoil the ending? 

As ever, with any of these Insomnia Questions (perhaps I should change the name to ramblings, it feels more fitting), I don't have any sort of answer. 

However, I have made the decision to go back to bed, and honestly, I can live with this one.